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My Bloody Valentine 3-D

January 26, 2009
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First, I want to apologize for not seeing any good movies in the theater lately. I’m dying to see The Wrestler. I just haven’t gotten around to it. This is the best I can do for now.

I really was hoping to be able to write “My Bloody Valentine=My Bloody Awesome” but it’s more like “My Bloody Mediocre with a StupidTwist and Some Cool 3-D Effects.” If you see this movie, see it in 3-D. If you don’t see it in 3-D, I recommend renting any number of horror flicks rather than going to see this in the theater. Or maybe you should just skip movies all together and take a long walk in the park or play fetch with your dog. You know, get out and exercise. After all, you are looking a little out of shape these days.

My Bloody Valentine is a remake of an early 80’s slasher movie of the same name. Back then, I’m sure they were trying to capitalize on the success of Halloween and Friday the 13th, among others. I’ve never seen the original, so I can’t speak to how this remake is better or worse. Somehow, I imagine the original being less slick in its production, and therefore, more disturbing, but that is only my imagination. In my imagination, the remake is the best horror movie of the modern era. The imagination is a wonderful thing. Anyway, here’s the quick synopsis-Man gets trapped in mine with other men because of Boy’s mistake. Man kills other men in mine with pickaxe. Man ends up in coma, goes to hospital. Man wakes up from coma, kills every last person in the hospital and also breaks into blood bank just to smear blood on the walls (I’m guessing here-Most of this was off-screen). Man goes back to mine, which now happens to be the spooky place where the high school kids party. Boy from earlier is at party. Man kills all kids at party except for our four leads (which includes Boy). Mine caves in, kills Man. This is the first 15 minutes of the movie. From there we fast forward ten years. It’ll come as no shock that the killings begin again. I won’t bore you with any of the plot details, except to say that Boy had left town for those ten years and is now back. And there is a mystery filled with red herrings, wild goose chases, and one of the biggest cheats you’ll ever see. At the end, the most obvious person ends up being the killer, but only because of the stupid twist, ripped straight out of Adaptation, only there they were pointing out the inanity of it. My Bloody Valentine actually seems to think it’s clever. A word of advice, My Bloody Valentine, it’s not. And if you have to cheat to get there, it’s really not.

Ok, I’d be remiss not to point out the positives. There is some good 3-D gore. I was glad to see that basically none of the main characters were high school kids. The problem here was that the actors they cast to portray these “adults” were the same actors they would’ve cast to play teenagers, so that ends up being a wash. There were a couple of good scares. Oh, and the 3-D. Including pickaxes through windshields, dismembered body parts flying at the screen, and…wait for it…3-D nudity!

So there is a scene early in the movie in which a woman is fully nude for a good 5 minutes of screen time (I do have to give some credit to the actress. That cannot have been a fun scene to shoot). In 3-D. I’m not even sure what to make of this. I mean, it’s not like the killer walks in on her in the shower and she has to run for her life. No, she just happens to walk out of a perfectly good hotel room without a stitch of clothing to chase down the man who jilted her. Granted, he called her a whore and threw some money on the bed, but when confronting said man, would a t-shirt be too much to ask? I’m no prude, and the woman is attractive enough, but for me the scene was the definition of “gratuitous nudity.” Now, nudity is basically one of the ear-marks of the slasher genre, so thumbs up to the film-makers for paying homage to their predecessors, but there is something to be said for moderation.

Oh god, I just spent a paragraph complaining about a naked woman. Welcome to your mid-30s. I’d finish this review, but I have to go re-read The Secret, watch re-runs of Dr. Phil, and trim my ear-hair.

So, to re-cap, 3-D nudity is the greatest thing in the history of forever and no such wonderful thing could ever be called gratuitous. Rush out to your local theater, and see it now.

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 26, 2009 2:29 pm

    I have yet to see it myself but have been told that unless it’s 3-D it’s completely pointless. I agree that gratuitous nudity was a staple in the previous horror era but I guess I wasn’t a fan of it then and probably won’t be now either. However, with that said seeing it in 3-D might change my mind. Who knows. Thanks for the review 🙂

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