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Me man. Me no know cook

August 10, 2013


I recently received the results from routine metabolic and lipid panels.  Almost everything fell within the acceptable range, but my triglycerides are too high and my HDLs are too low.   Not dangerously so in either case, but given my family history, it would be foolish for me to not take some action to rectify the problem.  I’m not an unhealthy eater as it is, but even without the above test results, I could stand to pay more attention to what food goes into my body.   I’m not looking to lose a bunch of weight or sculpt my abs (have you seen this six-pack?).  I just want some fairly simple meals that help me get the vitamins, minerals, and healthy fats I need.  I’m no great cook, but I’m handy enough in the kitchen when I have a plan or a recipe, so I went to Amazon to see if they had any cookbooks for men seeking to eat a healthier and more rounded diet.

And then I remembered how men are marketed to in this country.   In general, advertisers see us as dicks (I don’t mean jerks) with mouths and stomachs (Let that image sink in for a second…and…moving on.) that can’t take care of ourselves, but thank god there are women to do that for us.   And that mentality apparently doesn’t change much when trying to sell cookbooks.

Here are  the top five results on Amazon when I searched for “men’s healthy cookbook”:

  1. Guy Gourmet: Great Chefs’ Best Meals for a Lean and Healthy Body – The title is fine, but then you get to the blurb: “Man cannot live on bread alone. He also needs chili and steak, tacos and jambalaya, barbecued ribs and burgers.”  All in all, pretty tame, but still selling the idea that real men love chili, steak, etc. and if you don’t, well, maybe get the sand out of your vagina (Although, I do love everything listed there, so maybe they know more about me than I realize).
  2. Healthy Husband Cookbook: Quick and Easy Meals to Feed the Man You Love Good Food and Good Health – Published not in 1953 but in 2013. Seriously, women, get in the kitchen and cook me some healthy meals.  Or do you want me to die young?  That’s been your plan all along, hasn’t it? Let us morons eat ourselves into oblivion and then take over the world. You’ve always been jealous of my penis.
  3. Men’s Health Muscle Chow – The picture above is the cover to this book. See the pipes on the guy holding the knife and fork and stuffed pepper on the cover? All that bulk came from eating stuffed peppers. (secretly ordering this one immediately because who doesn’t want veins popping out of their biceps)
  4. A Man, A Can, and a Plan: 50 Great Guy Meals Even You Can Make – Besides sounding like a treatise about reading on the toilet, notice the little dig at our ability to take care of ourselves.  “Yes, EVEN YOU, a man who watches football with his hand down his pants; EVEN YOU, who once sniffed cinnamon up his nose to win a bet (and lost that bet); EVEN YOU, who should probably find someone to read this book to you, can make these meals.  Now get to cooking, you homunculus mongoloid.”
  5. Man Meets Stove: A Cookbook for Men Who Have Never Cooked Anything Without a Microwave – Uh, what’s a microwave?

I’m not delusional. When it comes to advertising, the condescension and objectification that marketers rain down on women so far outstrips what happens to men that I feel a little silly writing this (and even if it was all equal, we still own everything).  But that doesn’t mean I don’t get tired of seeing commercials and sitcoms and print ads and movie trailers treating men like one giant hive-mind of  sex, boobs, boobs, sex, beer, please take care of me, duh books are for nerds (or worse, women. Oh, the horror!), sex, boobs, FOOTBALL!  Don’t get me wrong, I like sex, boobs, boobs, beer, sex, FOOTBALL!  I just don’t appreciate being treated as though liking anything else is grounds for revocation of my man-card (sidenote – any male who uses the term “man-card” in a serious manner should have one testicle smashed with a hammer. It sounds harsh, but it’s the only way they’ll ever learn.  Use of “man-cave” only requires a swift punch to the groin).

And you want to know the worst part?  Even though I’m aware of these twisted tricks advertisers use to make me believe I need a can of Dr. Pepper Ten to feel truly masculine, I fall for that shit all the time.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Kathy permalink
    August 10, 2013 11:03 am

    Hilarious!!! Steve couldn’t stop laughing.
    But seriously, get in the kitchen & make some real food!

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